I saw my skeleton yesterday. I walked outside the door and there I was lit up like a cartoon character just struck by lightning – skull, backbone, and ribs visible for all to see. I couldn’t take my eyes off the inside of myself. So intently I studied the image that I didn’t even notice the fella who had come up beside me until he asked me, “What do you make of it, doctor?” I jumped and then blushed, remembering one of the last things he’d said to me when we were alone: “Take off your pants.” Doctor visits can be so surreal.
I try hard to avoid this sort of thing, but considerable and chronic pain in my hip had driven me to an orthopedic doctor. This time, however, I had thoroughly prepared myself for the visit. I had meticulously thought through my case history, presenting complaint, and my preferences for treatment. I had even rehearsed the delivery of this message. This had the effect of alleviating my anxiety tremendously. An additional and unanticipated result of this preparation was that I ended up directing a lot more of the show. Early on, the doctor quit asking me questions and sat down and actually listened, scribbling notes furiously while I talked. It was quite gratifying really. Then he did his evaluation, took x-rays, and presented me with a diagnosis: scoliosis.
Scoliosis. I’m still trying to decide what to make of that. The word makes my back hurt just thinking about it. Yet, part of me is secretly excited that I have a condition. So far I’ve managed to resist the urge to call SeniorCitizenChurchLady to brag about it. “You have a rare, but minor heart condition and asthma you say? Well I have a trick hip secondary to scoliosis!” I’m sure it would impress her. In case you’re not in the know, SeniorCitizenChurchLady has a plethora of health issues she expounds on at every opportunity in the most amusing way. If you’re not in the know, you really should be, so I’ve included a repost (below) of a transcript of an actual conversation between her and moi that illustrates this point.
~~~~@~~~~
SeniorCitizenChurchLady Lists her Health Problems
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: The doctor says I have an abnormal doadinal? doodoodendrum? Huh, wha’d he say? Anyway, I have an abnormal doaddeenal bulb.
Me: Duodenal bulb?
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: Yes, and a chronic cough that makes my heart beat irregular. In fact, he said I have a rare irregular heartbeat. My PVCs said 100 alpha lipoic acid. He said it was “minor”, but that’s not right. If it’s rare, that doesn’t sound minor to me.
Me: Things can be both rare and minor.
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: Well “minor” can’t be right. He also said I have…
Me: Just a second. I have to take notes on this.
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: Yes, you should. Write ‘rare irregular heartbeat,’ but don’t write ‘minor.’ And to that you can add a hiatal hernia. That’s a hole somewhere and some of that other stuff comes through the hole.
Me: Mhm. I know what a hernia is.
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: Acid reflux. Put that on your list. My acid reflux has burned and shrunk and scarred stuff — my esophagus. It closes up and I can’t get anything through it. They wanted to drop a light down my throat last time I was there. I said, “Uhh…not today. Let’s figure something else out. How about I just chew my food a whole lot?”
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: What do you call that?
Me: What do you call what?
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: What do you call that when you can resurrect people that are dead?
Me: Um…Jesus?
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: Divaticulostis? Divaticulitis? Vertigo. The doctor said I had vertigo too. I can roll over in my sleep and get dizzy. I got this other rare problem. It’s called many-farts. That’s m-a-n-y, not m-i-n-i. There’s nothing ‘mini’ about them.
Me: That sounds like a particularly stressful condition.
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: Then there’s my carcinoma. I’ve got skin cancer. And my netti pot. Only one side works. My ears ring constantly.
Me: That’s called tinnitus. Should I add it to this list?
SeniorCitizenChurchLady: Yes. And my knee. I can’t get up. My hip hurts. I can’t turn on the shower….Are you going to put all this on your Spacebook?
Me: Yes, I’m going to blob about it on my little e-space.
3 comments
Comments feed for this article
July 10, 2010 at 4:04 pm
Skattur
I want to see your skeleton too! I’m curious as to how bad your scoliosis is. I’m sorry to hear that you have it. 😦 I’ve nagged you for soooo many years about your posture and now to find out you have scoliosis. 😦 I guess this is the reason your posture is so bad. gah gah gah. I’ll pray it away. k
Oh man that repost of the conversation between you and the SeniorCitizenChurchLady is still as funny as when you posted it the first time.
July 10, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Lunar Euphoria
I didn’t know what questions to ask the doctor after that because I went in about my hip, which he pretty much ignored after he saw my back. But I have another appointment with him in a few weeks.
December 1, 2010 at 2:11 am
SeniorCitizenChurchLady Strikes Again « My Little Spacebook
[…] has told me several times about this fall. When I ask her if she’s ok, she runs down the list of her conditions. (List making also runs in the genes, obviously). Then this odd exchange […]