Walter Anderson's boat

Walter Anderson’s boat

Love called me here.

–Dante, The Inferno

Our lives improve only when we take chances — and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves… [The] greatest risk of all: to be vulnerable, to allow others to see us as we really are.

–Walter Anderson

My palms got a little sweaty just typing the title of this post – that’s how nervous putting this resolution “out there” makes me.

Someone near and dear explained this same feeling during a conversation earlier this week.  Regarding an idea for a project he had been keeping top secret, he said, “I didn’t want to speak it into being because once I tell everybody, then I’m basically bound to make it so.  People will start asking me about it.”  The idea of being held accountable for pursuing your dreams is a scary prospect indeed.

Writing has  been a recurring theme in my resolutions over the years. “Write everyday” and  “get my work published” are just a couple of the variations. My work has seen publication several times now – once in dissertation form and several times in the form of co-authored articles in academic journals. I will not minimize these accomplishments. It was rigorous work and I have a lot of respect for science and the people who toil and revel in it.  If I had been honest with myself though, I would have abandoned that work long ago instead of getting caught up in other people’s notions of who I am and what I should be doing with my time. Being invited into collaboration was thrilling to the ego and working within an institution provided a fair degree of comfort and security. I learned a tremendous amount through the process, but I never felt particularly free or autonomous enough to write the things I wanted to write in that context.

Writing is something I do on an almost daily basis whether I’ve resolved to do it or not.  It’s how I process things. I think the format of a book will help keep me organized and focused. Because it is an independent project, it will require more self-discipline. This is why I decided to put this one “out there” instead of keeping it personal – I don’t want to back out of it or make the usual excuses to myself.

The topic of the book evolved from a presentation proposal I submitted on a whim to a yoga conference.  I never thought it would actually be accepted, but to my horror and delight it was. After I spent several months researching and preparing for the talk, the conference was cancelled.  I was both devastated and relieved – devastated because I had been looking forward to the conference and the trip and I had invested a lot of time and work into the topic and I wanted to share it.  I was relieved from having to deal with a somewhat stressful situation.  I was way out of my comfort zone. Public speaking does not come naturally to me.  Also, this conference was business-oriented instead of the academic/research-oriented type I’d experienced in the past. The good thing about the stress was that it kept my effort sustained and moving in one direction. That direction felt right. Now it’s a matter of changing the format and continuing the effort in book form.

Advertisements